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I pretended to be a missing girl so I could rob her family.

Mikayla Murray went missing twelve years ago, on the eve of her 18th birthday. She didn’t have any big plans or anything, but her friends described her as having been in a particularly good mood for what was otherwise a perfectly normal Friday. She’d gone to school, soccer practice, work, and then came home for a night of Disney movies with her kid brother, James. He’d been more excited for her birthday than she was. He wanted to stay awake with her until midnight, but of course had fallen asleep right away. He woke in the middle of the night to her headlights shining through his window. He watched as they rushed down the country road they lived off of, not knowing that it was the last he’d ever see of her. The poor kid was only five and would be forever tormented over why she’d leave him like that, or why she’d never come back.
It wasn’t until the sun came up on that cold Saturday morning that anyone realized something was wrong. Her parents entered her room to wish her a happy birthday, only to find her bed empty, car gone, and phone off. They started their rounds of calls to all Mikayla’s friends, but nobody had seen or heard from her. Panic really started to set in when Mikayla’s car was found abandoned on the side of a heavily wooded road, pulled off to the side and facing the wrong direction, practically in the middle of nowhere. There were no hiking trails or anything like that, nor were there any signs of struggle, or any evidence of where she might have gone next.
Until Mikayla’s friends followed the road on a map. You see, Mikayla had a boyfriend, Tom. He was a year older and had just gone off to college. He’d been trying to get Mikayla to come visit him but her parents just wouldn’t allow it. But if they had, this was the very road she’d have taken to get there. So while Linda Murray filed the missing person’s report, Paul Murray sped on up that road, all the way to the Tom’s university. Tom swore to him (and, later, the investigators) that he hadn’t seen her in weeks. That he’d been in his room studying that night. His roommate confirmed seeing him early that evening, but then left to go to a party where he’d then spent the night. The police looked deeper into Tom and found strands of Mikayla’s hair in his car. This didn’t prove much, but it spooked Tom enough into changing his story a bit and admitting to have seen Mikayla more recently than he’d said. That he’d picked her up late the weekend prior for a midnight drive. This sounded precisely like what had happened the night she’d gone missing, but police found nothing to substantiate it. Tom was eventually cleared as a suspect, but the Murrays never let it go. They were certain he was involved in her disappearance. So certain, that Paul Murray spent several nights sitting outside Tom’s dorm, waiting to catch his daughter going in or out. Tom’s family ended up taking legal action, which was the end of that. It wasn’t long before the case went cold. The days, weeks, and months passed without any further updates. The people in Mikayla’s life were left with this dark cloud of uncertainty, wondering what had happened to her. If she was out there somewhere.
And she was. She was about to return home after more than a decade. Because I’m Mikayla Murray, and I ran away that night to start a new life.
At least that’s what I told the Murrays. I had no fucking idea what happened to that girl.
You think I’m awful. That’s fine. I don’t disagree. I’m not proud of what I did. I was desperate. Homeless, and on the run. Smoking a pack a day just to function. I owed a lot of money to the wrong people, for some other things that I’m not really proud of. I was stuck and needed a plan.
And then I saw her face. Mikayla Murray. It was on a bulletin board at some cheap motel I’d passed through. There were half a dozen girls on there. But Mikayla stood out, because she looked so much like me. I could’ve swapped in one of my old high school photos and I doubt anyone would’ve noticed. Not that anyone was paying attention to this board or these girls anymore. Even the lady at the motel, who’d spotted me staring, said, “They ain’t comin’ home, but I don’t got the heart to take’em down.” As I ripped another butt later that night, I decided… one of them would be coming home. Mikayla’s family had money, and that was exactly what I needed.
If you’re wondering how I expected to get away with it, I didn’t. I wasn’t planning on being there for more than a night. I did just enough research on Mikayla to get in, find what I could take, and get out. I was going to beg them to give me one day before alerting anybody that I’d returned. To let me rest in my own bed before being swarmed by whatever media Nowhere, Indiana had to offer. Though after miles and miles of corn fields, my guess was that I’d have time to escape that wave. The bus station looked copied and pasted into place, standing out between a small market and gas station. I made sure not to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to risk being mistaken for the town’s longest missing girl, not yet. After one last cigarette, I shoved the pack and the lighter back into my coat pocket, along with my real identity. When I turned down Lincoln Ave, I was no longer me. I was Mikayla Murray.
The Murray’s lived a pretty secluded life. Their home sat alone in the middle of endless planes. I could hardly see their neighbors. I was starting to understand why Mikayla might have run away. Although, the house itself was huge, with an inground pool and a cute little gazebo out back, draped in numerous flags and dreamcatchers.
I rang the bell and felt my stomach sink. What if my dirty-blonde hair wasn’t light enough, or if Mikayla had had some obvious scar I’d overlooked. But when Linda Murray answered the door, she nearly collapsed. She shrieked and clasped her hands to her mouth, bursting into heaves of tears. “Oh my god!” she kept repeating. I stood there awkwardly as she squeezed me tighter than I would have liked. The dog at her legs was barking madly, and all I could think was how pissed off I’d be if I got caught because the dog didn’t recognize my scent.
“What is it, Linda?” Mikayla’s dad called from somewhere inside the house. He eventually appeared behind her and saw me standing there, secretly trying to get myself to cry. He stumbled back.
“Is it really you?” he uttered. His eyes went wide and his bushy grey mustache twitched. The dog was still barking, reminding me that I was in fact a stranger in this house. But I nodded and said, “Yes, daddy. It’s me.”
Before Paul could respond, another taller figure pushed through. Little James was little no more. He was seventeen now, the same age his sister was when she vanished. He still had that same baby face though, only it was pale white, like he hadn’t seen the sun in a while. He was staring right at me, looking almost scared. I panicked for a moment but figured surely, of all people, I’d be safest around James. He’d hardly ever known his sister. Yet the baby blue eyes behind his jet black hair were piercing into mine, and I couldn’t think of anything to say to him. I could feel the cigarettes in my pocket. I needed one bad.
“Come here, baby girl,” Paul breathed. Linda, who was still sobbing and clutching onto me, passed me off like a toy she did not want to share. Paul pulled me into his arms and held even tighter than she had. We rocked back and forth for a moment. “I can’t believe you’re here,” he whispered.
Linda watched with her hands still covering her mouth. “James, come give your sister a hug!” she cried. “It’s sissy!” I wanted to puke. James didn’t move, until Paul grabbed his shoulder and pulled him into us. Linda then joined in as well, and we all just stood there wrapped up in momentary silence.
“Okay, let’s get inside.” Paul said. “It’s cold!”
They escorted me into the foyer where they hung my coat on a hook next to what I assumed was one of Mikayla’s, untouched after all these years. Paul turned, twisted, and latched the few locks on their front door, and I wondered if this had always existed or if it was a result of their daughter having slipped out one night, never to be seen again. I followed the family further inside and was blown away by how nice the interior was, so much so that I’d slipped up and let it show. After all, nothing in this house was supposed to be new to me. I caught James’ eye and feared that he’d noticed. He kept his eyes on me as we passed through room after room, deeper and deeper into the house. Linda kept reaching to touch me in any way, a hand on the back or a light shoulder squeeze. She was still sobbing this deep, painful sob, and it was at this moment that I finally began to feel like the asshole I knew I was. We marched through one living room, past the kitchen, down a hall, and then finally stopped in another living room. Each Murray dropped onto a separate couch. Paul gestured for me to sit next to Linda, who grabbed hold of me as she attempted to settle herself down. It was annoying, but of course I wasn’t going to stop her. James was beside us, staring down at his feet, with Paul right across, beaming at me.
“Baby, first of all, we’re not mad,” he explained. “We just want to know…what happened?” If my actual dad had showed even an ounce of this concern, I might not have run away myself.
I dropped my head and said, “I’m sorry, you guys. I needed to get out of here. I felt stuck. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I didn’t know what to do.” It certainly wasn’t Oscar-worthy, but I wasn’t playing the long-con. I just needed to be passable long enough for me to swipe several of the items we’d passed on our journey to this room.
Paul nodded slowly. He looked guilty and it made me feel bad. “Okay… Okay... Where did you go, baby?”
“I went north. Tom helped. He introduced me to someone at his school who gave me everything I needed.” This was better, I thought. Added in some details the real Mikayla would know. Although of all the lies to that point, this one felt strangest to tell. The online consensus was that Tom had killed Mikayla. Now I was making him her hero.
“Wow. That’s…quite the adventure,” Paul exclaimed. I looked over at Linda because she was squeezing too hard. Her face lit up when our eyes met, and she just nodded.
“What made you come back?” Paul continued.
I hesitated on this one. So I told the truth. “I found myself in a lot of trouble. Didn’t know where to turn next. I think the only reason I didn’t come home sooner was because I felt embarrassed. And then years went by.”
“What kind of trouble?” Linda gasped. She’d finally let go of me.
“No, Linda,” Paul began. “It’s okay. She’s not a little girl anymore,” he laughed. “That’s her business. Listen baby girl, we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want. All that matters now is you’re home, and you’re safe.”
He was holding onto both of my hands. This made me tear up for real. In just a short period of time, I’d flipped my thinking. Maybe Mikayla was just another stupid teenager rebelling against her parents who were only trying to keep her safe. Maybe she snuck out to celebrate her 18th birthday with her college boyfriend at some frat party. Maybe some random frat guy decided he wanted her. Maybe he slipped something into her drink. Or maybe she got too experimental. Maybe someone offered her something she’d never tried before, and she took it. To be cool. To show off in front of her college boyfriend’s college friends.
I spent my whole life wishing I’d had hers.
“You know what? I have an idea,” Paul said dramatically with a raised finger. “Linda, why don’t you go out… and get stuff for pork sandwiches? And I’ll cook up some tater tots. Yeah?” He was looking at me with raised eyebrows like I was supposed to know what the fuck he was talking about. So I pretended to. This must have been some sort of Murray tradition or Mikayla’s favorite meal or something.
“That sounds great,” I said. I tried not to look at James but the avoidance only made my eyes want to do so even more. And they did. James was still staring blankly at the floor ahead of him.
Linda suddenly hopped up. “Mikayla, sweetie, do you wanna come with me?” I hated how often they were saying her name, and how they spoke to me like I was five.
Before I got a chance to respond, Paul chimed in. “Hun, let her breathe. Run to the market, I’ll get things started, and you,” he said to me, “go rest up. It’s gonna be crazy here by tomorrow. I just wanna have one night as a family first, yeah?”
I could not have agreed more. Everything was going exactly as I had planned. There was a really shiny, diamond-studded vase calling my name, right next to an autographed jersey of some football player I’d never heard of. I was gonna walk out with one while wearing the other.
“You remember where your room is right?” James said to me after Linda and Paul walked off. I obviously had no idea where anything was, so I joked back.
“Oh I thought this was it.”
He gave a half-hearted huff and beckoned me to follow him upstairs. “Do you wanna hangout? Watch a movie or something?”
“Sure. Try to stay awake this time.” He either didn’t like that one, or didn’t get it. I followed behind as he sauntered to his room. There were several doors in that upper hallway and I worried I was going to have to guess later which one was Mikayla’s.
James’ room was surprisingly clean. The baggy jeans and messy hair gave me a totally different vibe. His bed was made, his walls were bare, and the desk in the corner looked like it was hardly ever used, even though it probably was every day. The one window in the room had a perfect view of the backyard and the setting sun beyond the fields.
I heard a lock click.
“Why did you come here?” James muttered. He slowly turned to face me. My heart stopped.
“What do you mean?”
“Why are you here?” he repeated in a forceful whisper. He was now eyeing me madly.
“Look. I’m really sorry I left you. I feel terrible about it. I always have.”
He shook his head and started to tear up, like he couldn’t bare to hear it. He then rushed towards me, and for a moment I thought he was going to attack me. But he brushed past and stopped at the window. “Remember when I climbed the gazebo? And fell?”
Nope. Had no idea what he was talking about.
“Of course I remember,” I pleaded.
He laughed to himself and then marched right on up to me, grabbing me by the shoulders. “That’s weird, because Dad built it after she left, you fucking idiot.” He tossed me backward and spun off towards his closet. He started throwing clothes in a duffle bag. “We need to go,” he said. “Now.”
My whole body was tingling. I knew I was caught, but I still wasn’t sure what to do.
“Do you understand what’s happening here?” he continued. “He knows. He knew the whole time.”
I finally gave it up. “What gave it away?”
He stopped to look back. “Because we know where she is!”
I was confused. This wasn’t in any of the theories I’d read online. “Where is she?”
James shook his head in frustration. He grabbed me by the arm and dragged me to the window. “She’s right fucking there,” he spat with a finger pointed outward.
I looked out into the yard past the covered pool where the gazebo sat lifeless and weather worn, with noticeable chips in its white paint. The fact that James couldn’t bare to look at it told me what he was thinking. I frowned. “What makes you think that?”
He rushed back for the bag and threw more things inside. “He built it the week she left,” he said with emphasis on every other word. “And they never use it during the day. Never.”
I wasn’t convinced. James was so young when it happened, and clearly torn up over it, as was reported in everything I’d read about the case. When he noticed my skepticism, he huffed an annoyed sigh and turned to a dresser drawer, rummaging through before pulling out what he was looking for and jamming it into my gut. I reached down for it. It was a dirty, purple bracelet, all stretchy and rubber. It had her name on it. I played with it in my hand before slipping it onto my wrist.
“Remi dug that up a couple years ago. That’s our dog by the way,” he added sarcastically. “Dropped it right at my feet. And I remember it! I remember her wearing it that night!” He sounded crazy. He tried to keep his voice down, which only made him seem crazier.
“You saw her drive off,” I said to him.
“I saw her car drive off.”
My mind was racing. “Why haven’t you called the cops by now? Or run away?”
“Because I can’t!” he urged a bit louder than he meant to. “He’ll kill us! All of us.” He settled down and continued. “Listen to me, we’re dead if we go downstairs. We need to leave. Right now.”
He was panting. I didn’t move, didn’t speak. He lowered his head in defeat and threw the bag over his shoulder, making his way for the window and starting to crawl out of it. “Please come,” he tried one last time, half in and half out. I was frozen. I listened for any sign of danger outside the room but it was silent. I thought, this was crazy, right? And then I thought about how much I wanted a cigarette. That was how I made my decision. I took James’ hand and he helped me climb out. Together we scurried on the roof of the back porch and then dropped down onto the rather large portico above the back door. I’d almost fallen down the side but James held me up.
“Okay, we’re gonna run,” he explained as we crouched close together. He was nervous and out of breath. “The sheriff’s downtown. We’ll use the corn for cover. Stay close.” I nodded. Part of me was starting to actually believe him. He jumped first, and I followed. We took off. James was much faster than me. I looked back quick and saw Paul through the large French windows in the kitchen. I didn’t look long enough to see his reaction, but I could tell he was watching us. I kept running. The dying grass looked like it would never end. There was a road in the distance, the same road I’d trudged along to get there. But it felt like it was never getting any closer.
A gun shot rang loud. Paul had fired a rifle into the air. He was shouting out at us. I’d just reached the gazebo. James was nearly fifty yards ahead of me. I stopped to catch my breath, holding myself up on one of the gazebo railings. I was regretting all the cigarette smoking.
And then I did the most impulsive thing I think I’ve ever done. I took my lighter out, and lit that fucking thing on fire. The flags, the dream catchers, whatever I could. It took a couple tries, but once it caught, that was it. I had no idea if Mikayla was really under there or if James was just crazy with grief. But either way, I was out of there and I was never coming back. So I lit it up. I watched the flames dance along the darkening sky. Paul had started running towards it, and at that moment, Linda had pulled into the driveway. I could hear her shrill voice shouting to her husband. I was off and running again. But much to my surprise, James had stopped. He was coming back in my direction.
“What did you do!” he shouted before passing me. I was confused. I watched him race toward the fire, knowing that it was long past fixing. “No!” James kept shouting. He was hysterical. It was like he was watching his actual sister burn. He dropped to his knees and broke down. I wanted to go comfort him but Paul was closing in. I had to get out of there.
I made one last dash without ever looking back. By the time I’d reached the road, the sharp pain in my side had crippled me. I was barely able to move. I ducked into the corn fields and followed along Lincoln Ave that way, in case the Murrays got into their car to chase after me. Every time I heard a car pass, I dropped to the ground and waited. I was terrified. It must’ve been another hour before I made it back to the station. I was prepared to get onto the next bus no matter where it was going, it didn’t matter. But busses were done for the night. There wouldn’t be another until the following day. I cursed out loud. A man pumping gas in his truck next door had heard me and asked if I was okay. I told him I was fine, when he offered me a ride. He asked if I was going south, to which I said yes. Truthfully, I wanted to go northwest, but I just needed to get the fuck out of there. So yes, I hopped into a stranger’s truck. He was an old man, I never felt in danger or anything close to it. He seemed nice. And after the day I had, I wasn’t in a position to be picky.
We drove in silence for a while. It was now pitch black out. The headlights pushed through the surrounding fields of black. It was eerie. The old man tried to spark up conversation, but I wasn’t feeling it. He’d asked if I wanted the radio on or off, if I was hungry, if I was cold, hot. Each time, I told him I was fine.
“I know it ain’t my business, young lady, but are you sure you’re okay?” he eventually asked me. It was clear that I was not. I nodded and assured him once more that I was fine. My mind was still back on Lincoln Ave, wondering what had been happening that very moment at the Murray household. Or if Mikayla really was buried under the now burnt rubble. Or if her brother had just lost his mind.
“Will you tell me your name at least?” the old man had said, breaking my daydream.
I paused. I looked down at my fidgeting hands and noticed the purple bracelet tight along my wrist, the pink lettering of Mikayla’s name flashing with every passing street light. I’d forgotten that I was still wearing it.
Relax. I didn’t do what you think I did.
UPDATE: I really fucked up, you guys...I can’t stop shaking.... https://www.reddit.com/useJcote12/comments/jx6cm7/update_on_mikayla_murray/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
submitted by Jcote12 to nosleep

Looking Back at the Last Decade of Baseball: The 2020s in Review (part 1 of 2)

The last decade of baseball sure has been fun, hasn’t it? We’ve had thrills, we’ve had chills, we’ve had spills, . But a decade is a long time, and much has been forgotten: So let’s look back on the 2020s, and all the things that happened in it! We begin in...


January: Hype builds around the top free agent of the season, Trevor Bauer. After announcing that he will not accept any deals that do not have leading numbers of either 69 or 420, front offices scramble to free up the necessary budget space.
February: As players arrive at spring training, there is an astounding amount of hype surrounding the young superstar Vladimir Guerrero Jr., who is reported by multiple news outlets as being in, ‘the worst shape of his life’.
March: After four intense months of free agent negotiations, Trevor Bauer announces he plans to take a gap year to explore his possible options in life.
On Opening Day, Byron Buxton runs full-tilt into the outfield wall while trying to track down a Jorge Soler home run. He breaks three wrists and is out for the remainder of the season, sparing Twins fans the disappointment of seeing him waste his batting potential.
April: Mike Fiers, sick of being snubbed by front offices due to his role in blowing the whistle on the Astros sign stealing scandal, writes a tell-all where he claims he was the brains behind the whole operation. Eight different MLB clubs and Bill Belicheck immediately send him a contract offer.
May: Mark Reynolds announces his retirement on the grounds of being completely blind. He is promptly offered a lucrative contract by the umpire’s union.
June: On June 12, highly touted prospect Seth Beer makes his major league debut with the Arizona Diamondbacks. He uses ‘Beer’ by Reel Big Fish as his walkup song, and is immediately banned from baseball for life for reminding people that ska existed.
July: Fernando Tatis Jr. again ignites controversy from the media and from former players after being intentionally walked when his team is up by ten. “That is a disgusting act by Fernando Tatis Jr. and it's unfortunate that we had that on our air live”, says Joe Buck, calling the game for FOX, “That is disgusting by Tatis”.
Toronto continues their long-standing tradition of signing prospects who were born of somebody who screwed someone who used to be a good major league player by bringing A.J. Burnett Jr. into their minor league system.
August: Hawk Harrelson returns to broadcast a single game for the White Sox. Chicago gives up ten runs in the first, and Hawk remains completely silent for the last eight innings.
After years of controversy, the Cleveland Indians finally announce their rebrand. Their announcement states, “We waited far too long to get rid of Chief Wahoo. We’re not going to be late to the party for the next step. With Washington rebranding, it’s time to strike while the iron is hot. We recognize that there will likely be uproar, but history will vindicate us. From now on, the team will be known as the Ohio Indians”.
September: The MLB marketing team goes into overdrive and announces the creation of MLBFilms, a movie company developing films starring MLB players to try to increase their public image.
October: The Mariners put the final touches on a blessed season by mounting a five-run comeback against the Angels in the bottom of the ninth inning of game 162. Kyle Seager hits a walk-off grand slam to cap it off. They finish 73-89.
November: With the close of the 2021 season, the collective bargaining agreement between the MLB and the Player’s Union ends. For the sake of everyone’s sanity, both sides agree to ignore this.
After further investigation into the Astros sign stealing scandal, the Comissioners’s Office announces new sanctions: Cleveland State will receive the ‘death penalty’.
December: The Rockies broadcast team welcomes Matt Holliday as their new color commentator. The longtime Colorado player joins Drew Goodman, Ryan Spilbroughs, and Jeff Huson in the booth.
A.J Pierzynski receives two votes for the Hall of Fame and immediately demands a recount.


January: Tim Lincecum, long time Giants fan favorite, announces his intent to come back to baseball. ‘I’ve been out of this game too long. I wasn’t sure if the fans and the team would accept me after all this time, but the support I’ve received has been incredible. When this position as a bat boy opened up, I knew it was made for me”. He will face stiff competition from a number of eight year olds to fill the position
MLBFilms announces their first movie: a four hour long, Scorsese-directed gender swapped version of A League of Their Own. It stars Mike Trout, Bryce Harper, Giancarlo Stanton, and Mo’ne Davis. It will be cinema.
February: The Blue Jays show some concern as Vladimir Guerrero Jr seems to have gained more weight during the offseason, ballooning up to 300 pounds, and requesting a position change to designated hitter.
March: Tragedy strikes Tampa Bay as Tropicana Field is mistaken for an abandoned shopping mall and torn down by a demolitions company. The goof isn’t noticed for almost a week until a group of Yankees fans arrives to buy tickets.
April: Trevor Bauer finally decides to sign with someone, and signs a $69 million, 4.20 year deal with the White Sox for the express purpose of trying to get suspended by Tony La Russa.
May: The Rays announce they are rebuilding Tropicana Field exactly as it was, brick-for-brick. They put out a call for any Yankees fans who might have attended the stadium in the last few years to send pictures to work off of, as the original plans for the Trop were traded to the Mariners for cash considerations years ago.
Nelson Cruz invites controversy after choosing the 17 minute version of ‘In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida’ as his walkup song, and not stepping into the box until the entire song is finished. He manages to avoid getting plunked by pitchers until he starts doing air-guitars with the bat and drumming the solo on home plate.
June: The MLB marketing team jumps back into action by putting pictures of Spiderman on the bases, presumably on direct order from J. Jonah Jameson. This is immediately met with massive backlash from every human being on earth, including Spiderman himself. Bud Selig counters, “Suck it up, buttercup.” This is a real thing that happened.
The Braves pay Bruce Sutter ten million dollars and thank their lucky stars that Bobby Bonilla gets all the press.
July: The umpire’s union receives serious backlash after Ron Kulpa blows a ball-strike ball on a David Price perfect game in progress, causing him to walk Nick Castellanos with two outs in the first inning.
Joe Buck broadcasts the entire Home Run Derby solo, saying, ‘And we will see you tomorrow night’ in a straight, monotone voice for every single home run; gradually increasing in volume until he yells at the top of his lungs continually during the final round. It receives the highest ever ratings for any television event ever. Jo Adell wins with three total home runs.
On July 21st, in a game against the Diamondbacks, Kenley Jansen intentionally balks to move a runner from second to third. Sensing unwritten rules being broken, Brian McCann punches his way out of his grave beneath the mound and hits Jansen with a DDT, killing him instantly.
August: Tony La Russa publicly announces he is moving on to a more sabermetric way of managing, and moves his center fielder out of the first spot in the batting order. “Perhaps, depending on how this goes, I may even move the catcher out of the ninth spot in the order.”
September: As their season ends, the Ohio Indians announce another name change, citing how large the backlash was and how offensive they learned their name was to the millions of people who were not acclimatized to it. They are now known as the Lake Erie Indians.
October: The Marlins, after years of careful management by Derek Jeter, sweep the National League playoffs on their way to a World Series victory over the Athletics in six games. Immediately after hoisting the trophy, the entire front office is sold off to other franchises to save salary room.
After the World Series, Bud Selig officially announces his retirement as MLB commissioner. “After thirty years in this position, it’s time for me to move on. I am grateful to the owners throughout Major League Baseball for their unwavering support and for allowing me to lead this great institution. I thank our players, who give me unlimited enthusiasm about the future of our game. Together we have taken this sport to new heights and have positioned our national pastime to thrive for generations to come. Most of all, I would like to thank our fans, who are the heart and soul of our game.” Tony Clark is thought to be next in line for the position.
November: Bill James publishes his new book, The Measure of a Man, where he has an exact formula worked out for the value of individual human lives. Mike Trout is worth exactly $290,322,784.32. You are worth twelve cents.
December: The Winter Meetings begin with a bang as the Mariners announce they are trading Kyle Lewis for ten of the Yankees’ wins next year. DiPoto says, “They probably won’t need them, and although we aren’t going to get enough to win the whole shebang, we might be able to get the 15 percent share to get an invite to the debates. With that kind of media coverage, who knows where we can go?”


January: The Nationals announce that Mike Rizzo is stepping down as President of Baseball Operations, but not before giving himself ‘a full and legal pardon for all crimes he may or may not have committed while in his position, and for all the crimes he may or may not commit in the future.’
The Athletic releases a shocking exposé showing that Tim Wakefield’s ‘rolling contract’ on the Red Sox will actually never expire due to a legal technicality. The Red Sox owe him $4 million, every year, until the heat death of the universe.
February: The MLB marketing team puts pictures of Mike Trout on milk cartons, with the caption, ‘Have You Seen This Kiiiiiiiid?’. The only result is the occasional call to the missing persons hotline whenever somebody accidentally tunes into an Angels game.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. arrives at spring training announcing that he feels lighter and faster than ever, due to his fat folds being held up by repulsorlifts like Baron Vladimir Harkonnen in Dune.
March: Disaster strikes the Oakland Coliseum as the Wave takes hold of the stadium on opening day. Thousands of people die either of exhaustion or starvation. The governor attempts to declare a disaster zone, but finds out that legally, the entirety of Oakland has been a disaster for the last thirty years.
April: Nothing happened this month.
May: The Boston Red Sox are caught up in yet another cheating scandal, where the Blue Jays allege that Tom Brady, somehow, managed to deflate their baseballs before a key playoff game in 2022.
Byron Buxton runs headfirst into a Mack truck that was accidentally left parked in Target Field’s outfield by the ground crew. He loses eight ribs from the resulting surgery and is out for 6-8 weeks.
Robbie Cano is banned from the MLB for life after testing positive for shooting up black tar heroin into his eyeball.
June: Matt Holliday is suspended from his broadcast job after claims that, in the past, he had ‘inappropriately touched’ home plate during his Rockies career.
Tom Brady is ambushed at his house by Brian McCann and tombstoned directly into the driveway, killing him instantly. There are no witnesses.
July: Fernando Tatis Jr. is suspended by the Padres without pay for a week after being hit by a pitch with the bases loaded while up by twelve over the Dodgers. John Smoltz condemns his repulsive behavior by running up the score. Lynch mobs assemble outside Petco Park.
Billy Hamilton wins the Home Run Derby after discovering that inside the park home runs are not technically banned. He racks up 783 home runs in the first round alone before the kids playing the outfield figure out what’s going on.
August: Matt Holliday is cleared and reinstated to his job after no evidence was found of him actually touching home plate. In a public statement, he thanks the Padres for their longtime support and their hard work to clear his name in this matter.
During a Braves-Marlins game, the disembodied head of Joe Buck appears on the Fox Sports South broadcast on all cameras and stares wistfully into the camera for twenty-two seconds before bleeding from the eyes and fading away. Buck declines to comment on the matter.
September: Jose Canseco announces in a tweet that, if he is not elected to the Hall of Fame by the Veteran’s Committee immediately, he will not intervene to save us all from the upcoming singularity robot apocalypse.
October: In the Wild Card game against the Blue Jays, the Astros again invite controversy by calling the other team’s bullpen phone constantly and telling Ken Giles to stop warming up; twenty-seven times in the eighth inning alone. With Toronto unable to use their bullpen, Russell Martin comes in for the save situation and gives up seventeen runs. Charlie Montoyo attempts to protest the game, but the Astros yell so loud at the umpires that they can’t hear what he’s saying.
Pete Rose reveals that he was behind the 1978 Boston College point shaving scandal, and boy, did he make a ton of money from that. He is immediately banned for life from the Basketball Hall of Fame.
November: Both the American and National leagues award their MVP award to Albert Belle despite him being out of the league for twenty years, as he certainly did not deserve to lose to Mo Vaughn in 1995. Pedro Martinez finishes a close second.
Albert Pujols’ home run against Brad Lidge finally lands, killing millions on impact.
December: At the Winter Meetings, Brett Favre formally announces his retirement from the NFL.
The Yankees flex their checks and sign one of the best pitchers ever to have played the game for 15yrs/450million: Christopher Robin from Winnie The Pooh Home Run Derby.


January: In an explosive piece of investigative journalism, The Athletic discovers that Joe Buck has ties to Russia. Buck categorically denied the allegations in a press statement, adding, ‘And we will see you tomorrow night. In court.’
Jose Canseco is unanimously elected to the Hall of Fame.
February: Vladimir Guerrero Jr arrives at spring training by oozing through the windows of the practice facility and reforming himself into a man-like form in the hallways. He moves to the outfield, as he now covers enough ground that the ball will never hit the turf.
March: MLB The Show 2024 releases to rave reviews from critics, despite being the exact same game as MLB the Show 2023 and MLB the Show 2022. It is voted the best sports game of the year for the simple fact that they did not remove features from last year’s game.
On opening day, Dusty Baker announces to the umpires that he will be playing the entire season under protest. He gives no explanation.
April: Spencer Torkelson makes his MLB debut for the Tigers, lasting an entire at-bat before the umpires pull him from the game and send him back to the 1890s where his name belongs.
The Yankees announce that they are moving away from the pinstripe uniforms which have dominated their style since the early days of the club, and are switching to more iconic and beloved uniforms - the 1970s Houston Astros rainbow jerseys, effective immediately. Yankees fans strenuously object because it’s harder to look like assholes when wearing bright, happy colors.
May: Aroldis Chapman mirrors Randy Johnson when, during a save opportunity at Yankee Stadium, he brings down a low-flying single engine plane with a pitch, killing the pilot. This becomes the second-worst plane accident involving a Yankees pitcher in New York in the last twenty years.. [Editor’s note: This is not a 9/11 joke. That would be incredibly distasteful and disrespectful to the thousands of Americans that died on that day. This is a joke about Corey Lidle, whose death is slightly more socially acceptable to make light of.]
June: Scientists working with the New York Yankees announce new developments in doing The Wave, led by observations at Yankee Stadium. This new version of The Wave, endorsed by Yankees fans around the world, will be done only with the middle finger.
July: MLBFilms announce their next release - a collaboration with Warner Bros: Scooby-Doo! Batter Up!, where the Scooby gang meets Bryce Harper and the Phillies and have to defeat a ghost that possessed the Philly Phanatic and locked the team inside Citizens Bank Park. The city of Philadelphia defeats the ghost by throwing batteries at it, and it’s revealed to have been Gritty all along. This is not a joke.
For the fifteenth and final time, the Reds pay Ken Griffey Jr. 3.6 million dollars, ending his deferred contract. The Reds front office once again thanks the Mets for being such boneheads that nobody cares that other teams have far, far worse deferred contracts than they do. Although none of the other ones had to do with Bernie Madoff.
August: The Blue Jays announce that they are negotiating with LeBron James, Jr for a minor league deal.
Brett Gardner tests positive for having a giant fucking head and is suspended by the MLB for 80 games. He appeals on grounds of the test possibly being a false positive, and the possibility that vitamins he took were contaminated, and that, as a sovereign citizen, the MLB has no right to test him. He also tests positive for eleven different steroids, which he does not contest.
September: Tony La Russa announces his retirement at the end of the season, citing his early stages of dementia. This confirms the rumors that spread around the league after La Russa wandered off in the middle of a game to find the nearest Cracker Barrel.
October: Fernando Tatis Jr. disrespects the game of baseball by arriving at Petco for a game after the Padres have clinched the top seed in the playoffs. Brain McCann materializes out of the aether and hits Tatis with an elbow off the top ropes, killing him instantly.
The MLB announces a new broadcast format for the World Series, where Don Orsillo and Jerry Remy will sit silhouetted in front of a screen with the official Joe Buck/Tim McCarver broadcast and heckle them constantly, MST3k style. It is cancelled after one game after complaints from Joe Buck’s mother.
November: Radical sabermetricians make the news by making threats against the MLB, warning that unless announcers actually learn how WAR and FIP work, ‘there will be consequences’. Commissioner Tony Clark gives a strong speech, responding that the MLB ‘does not negotiate with terrorists. We don’t even negotiate with the MLBPA most of the time’’.
December: The Red Sox trade Tim Wakefield’s rolling contract to the Mariners in exchange for the Mariners’ franchise history and the cutout of a baseball player that sits outside a Lowe’s in Seattle.


January: The St. Louis Cardinals accidentally delete their Excel 95 spreadsheet listing their minor league prospects. It’s estimated that up to 200 ballplayers were lost, and though scouts managed to retrieve some of them, a large number still cannot be accounted for.
February: Vladimir Guerrero Jr. announces his retirement from baseball to star in an MLBFilms remake of ‘The Blob’.
March: The MLB floats the idea of having a ‘three batter minimum’ for pitchers, so that teams won’t continually switch pitchers to gain a handedness advantage. This is laughed at by everyone, so they forget about it. The idea never comes up again.
April: In an otherwise routine game at Target Field, Byron Buxton is tracking down a routine pop fly when he suddenly runs headlong into the evidence that Pete Rose bet against the Reds, shattering every bone in his body and eight in Max Kepler’s.
May: The Mets broadcast leaves a live mic on Zach Greinke, which picks up what he’s constantly mumbling about while on the mound. A transcript: “Dog carcass in alley this morning. Tire tread on burst stomach. The city is afraid [strikes out Tim Anderson] of me. I have seen it's true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over all the [induces a Chad Wallach pop-up] vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "save us!"... and I'll look down from the mound and [retires Derek Dietrich on three pitches] whisper "no"”
June: June 28, 2025. A date which will live in infamy. Everyone remembers where they were on that day. The pictures are burned into the brain of every man, woman, and child watching the All-Star game.
The black helicopter landing in center field.
The masked figures kicking a bound and gagged David Eckstein out of the door.
Their speech through the loudspeaker system, calling for the deaths of all those who stood in the way of progress. You all know what followed.
When that helicopter took off, leaving a four foot eight corpse on the field, the relationship between baseball and statistics was changed forever. SABR was declared a terrorist organization, and although Bill James denied any involvement and denounced the perpetrators, he would never be looked at the same. The FBI tracks him for the rest of his life.
July: C.C. Sabathia, Brian McCann, and the corpse of David Eckstein are inducted into the Hall of Fame. During his speech, Sabathia briefly mentions breaking the unwritten rules of baseball, and Brian McCann hits him with a steel chair, killing him instantly.
A huge remembrance of David Eckstein’s life takes place among the media.
“How can a man weighing 45 pounds and only two and a half feet tall make such an impression on the hearts of man? Not everyone has the grit, the determination, the grit, the dirtiness, the courage, the grit, or the grit to win in the MLB, but that’s only because Eckstein took the grit from all those people to use himself.”
“We all remember Eckstein single-handedly dragging the Cardinals to a World Series victory, but it’s easy to overlook his other work, and not just because he was so short. This was a man whose bodily fluids were filled with lunch pails.”
August: SABR’s hitlist is leaked by government agencies. It includes the two bozos who left Pedro Martinez off the MVP ballot, 90’s Joe Carter, John Smoltz, and everyone who ever wrote an article about David Eckstein, ‘to wipe clean the scum of the earth’. All of these people are immediately placed under police protection except John Smoltz, who refused it as he never believed in sabermetrics anyway.
September: A source inside the MLB suggests that they should have been more prepared for a terrorist attack, saying, “These guys are literally named SABR - could they have more of a Bond villain secret organization name? And look at their mission statement: ‘we seek the deaths of those who would desecrate our great national pastime, and those who refuse to understand it.’ - shouldn’t that have turned some heads? I believe that the MLB intentionally ignored this threat so they could go to war with SABR and then seize their oil”. Tony Clark refuses comment.
Tony La Russa announces his retirement from baseball at the end of the season.
October: After a long and storied career, Albert Pujols announces his retirement and immediately ages 150 years to return to his true age like Donovan at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Both dugouts rush his desiccated body to claim the bones as good luck charms.
November: David Eckstein is posthumously inducted into the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame as an honorary member of the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band.
The NAACP makes headlines when they release their list of Greatest Baseball Players of All Time, due to Jose Bautista taking the #1 spot over from Jackie Robinson. They justify it by saying ‘Jose Bautista is the Harriet Tubman of his times”.
December: After missing the playoffs for the tenth straight year, the Philadelphia Phillies trade Bryce Harper to the New York Yankees for a sack of potatoes.
Part 2: 2026-2030
submitted by SirParsifal to baseball