I have very basic computer skills, I can use audacity and powerpoint no problem, but I'm trying to make a slideshow with music in the background that I can copy onto a dvd for my friend's xmas present. Basically pictures of him and his wife together. Not sure how to go about doing this in a professional looking manner, or what program to use. Any suggestions are appreciated!
I got hired by my Dad to do IT. I know very little about IT besides games. These are my IT stories. be first day
> woman asks me if I can install the latest version of adobe reader > fuck ya I got this DL like a boss > "Wow you're like a computer expert" > "Well you know..." > Asked to input admin credentials > forget admin credentials > try admin:password > nope.jpg > "uhhhh... uhhhh... oh crap somethings going on with the server.. be right back" > 3 months later she still doesn't have adobe reader
More?
be day 2
> angry guy is on the phone asking me about some weird in house program > have no idea what the fuck he's saying > there's a pause > he's waiting for an answer > think back to the IT crowd > "Have you tried turning it on and off again" > "Like restarting" > "Give me a sec..." > it fucking worked
day 3
> hot sales rep comes in with laptop issues > she's 9/10 cougar > all flirty with me > tells me she needs something updated > can only hear her boobs > her laptop smells like strawberrys > download adobe reader for her and hand it back
day 4
> figure out how to turn off the servers > when people start asking for help > go into server room > turn off servers > come out oblivious and start downloading adobe reader > eventually people start screaming > THE SITES DOWN! THE SITES DOWN! > "I'm on it!" > run back to the server room > play hotline miami in the back for few hours > turn server back on near end of day > come out of server room > wipe brow from face > "I did it..." > people are singing my praises saying i saved the day > really just saved the girlfriend in HM
day 5
> run into cougar at coffee machine > ask her how things are going, just a general statement > instantly thinks im talking shop > starts telling me all the shit wrong with her computer > she doesn't see me as a human > she sees me as an it > tell her to drop off her laptop > she does > I upgrade her ie > download adobe reader > restart the machine > everythings fucking working > run it back to her > fix my hair > check my breath > act like I saved the day > she's in her office on the phone > she motions to put on her desk >1 do...kind of linger > "Is that everything hun?" > leave > hear her say "oh it was just IT" > just IT > that is all I am now
day 6
> really bored > decide to download a gameboy emulator and play some pokemon > the webfilters blocking it so I turn it off the whole thing I dont just whitelist it, I turn it all off > get to emulator site but now I need to turn off the antivirus > use the admin which I now know to do it... > end up turning off the whole antivirus settings on the server > download my emulator and rom > play my game > guy comes into my office > "I think I caught I virus" > me "gotta catch em all" > by the time I'm facing Misty 4 people have viruses
day 7
> same guy that was yelling at me day 2 is yelling at me > he cant remotely log in just as I am about to leave to go home > "Try turning it off then on again then call me back" > go home
day 8
> guy call from day 7 calls back > he's pissed > tells me he lost a client because of my stupidity > "shit happens man. I lost to team rocket like 10 minute ago" > "what the fuck are you talking about?" > click
day 9
> one of the printers is out of toner > some fat guy tells me to change it > "it's a toner man... can't you change it? I'm working on this huge issue with the server" > was really downloading steam > "it'll take a second... god I have much more important stuff to do... that's why you're here" > sigh and go do it > cant figure out how to fucking open the fucking cartridge door > start hitting it like they do in zoolander > tell the poor mentally challenged guy in the mail room I have a special job for him > he has to hide the magic egg in the chest of Hewlet Packard > go back to my server business > half an hour later the fat guy comes into my office > "What the fuck did you do to the printer?" > "Changed the toner" > He just starts shaking his head and muttering shit > we walk over to it > the mailroom guy jammed the cartridge in the wrong way and actually lodged it in there so half of it is sticking out > the door cant even close > there's black hand prints all over the printer too > Can feel the guy judging me so I just spew bullshit > "Looks to be a probably with the network." > the printer was down for over a month before I figured out we have a printer guy on call
day 10
> have to set up projector in the boardroom > cant find a thunderbolt to hdmi cable to hook it up to lazy to go to the store > dont even have a corporate card either > tell the people needing the projector that there's a compatibility issue with macbooks > they use some guys dellbook > the files from the mac end up not running on the dellbook > call me in mid meeting > all these business people staring at me as I am randomly clicking folders as fast as possible to look like I am pro > download adobe reader > double click files > works > "Thanks Anon, you saved me"
day 11
> there's a new hire > no one fucking told me anything > get screamed at that theres no computer for this new person > go in back to see if we have any spares > there's a few > but there's also some really old pcs from like the early 90's > boot it up > works > set up new person > everything lags > you open adobe reader? massive fucking lag > send out the computer > "it's the best we've got on short notice" > get like 40 sharepoint tickets the first day from that person > he's a real stickler for help > he ends up quitting the very next week saying he can't work under these conditions
day 12
> someones computer crashed > fuuuuuuuuck > set up computer > remember something about profiles being saved on the network > go back to the server room > look at the server rack like a total idiot as I try and figure out in my head how this works > tell the guy all his data is lost and there's nothing I can do > "b-b-bbut my project... i have to present that to the board on friday..." > "gone, man. It's gone" > play sim theme park the rest of the day
day 13
> roll up to work an hour late > whole office is in chaos > fallofrome.jpg > "HE'S HERE!" > Go in to my office open up mail > dozens of emails like: > "Hey is there something wrong with the server I can't log in to..." > "Any idea why the site is down I..." > the server is actually down > adobe reader can't save me now > "Just go back there and do what you did last time!" > everyone thinks its an easy solve > literally shaking in the server room because I don't know what to do > nap in server room for entire day > people are pissed can hear them banging on server door > we've missed deadlines > leave at 6:30 pm > the CFO sees me in the parking lot > hes been in a meeting all day doesn't know about my struggles > "You're still here?! That's the kind of can-do attitude I like to see"
day 14
> server is still down > my dads asking questions > everyone is pissed > take an early lunch > over hear some guys at the restaurant talking about buying a new modem for the office > hailmary.jpg > "Hey sorry to bother you during your lunch...but would either of you happen to be IT?" > before either of them could read me the riot act and tell me something like how the fuck dare I > I'm IT too > I show them my hand that I scratched up crawling wire on the floor > they nod > "What would you try doing if your server is completely fucked?" > "Have you tried restarting it?" > I go back and restart the physical machine > it fucking works
day 15
> hot cougar walks by office looking distressed > "Everything okay?" > "Oh good... I can't log into my email... can you please help me... PLEASE" > "I got you." > get her laptop > re-install microsoft office > outlook works again > poke through her emails to make sure things are working > send a test file > read the titles of her latest emails > "Divorce" > hand back her laptop > "Looks like its working now" > "Thanks..." > "Everything okay?" > "Well..." > this is fucking it, tell me your sob stories cougar woman and then its or > "My mouse is acting a bit funny, can I get a new one"
day 16
> one of the mailroom guy's monitors isn't working > it's coming up all green > backstory: there's been a huge misappropriation of funds because I gave him dual monitors just because he's a mentally challenged and I figured if anyone needs 2 screens its him > all he does is look at msn slideshows > and use the fedex webapp or something > he's a nice guy so I actually try and fix it for him > nothings working > think its a driver issue > think its a setting issue > think its an actual hardware issue > whole time people are coming to me with real problems but I keep saying "I'll be there in a minute" > after 2 hours the mailroom guy goes > "maybe da pug ish boken" > I swapped out the hdmi cable with a brand new one > it worked > I officially am less adept at my job then a poor mentally challenged guy
day 17
> nice old woman who talks to me about sports tells me her keyboard is shit > she's oldest person in the office by far > old as dirt > tell her I have just the thing > go in the back and unbox a brand new keyboard meant for the programmers > bring it to the old woman > "You're such a helpful young man" > reach down awkwardly to plug in the new keyboard > get back up and dust pants off > old lady looks like she's having a heart attack > look at the screen > it's fucking blank > on my way back up to my feet I hit the power button > she lost 3 hours of work > 3 hours that old woman will never ever see again
day 18
> company meeting > we're over budget > there has been ridiculous spending > "we've lost money for almost a month > day 18 > almost a month > they are going to out me > IT budget comes up in discussion > we're one of 2 departments that are coming under budget > "Great job Anon. I heard about the server issues here... you're the man" > at the end of the meeting a 45 year old events planner asks me if I fix computers on the side > "Not really..." > "Oh... I have this one blasted thing that needs fixing. You couldn't just come over and fix it?" > bullshit > for a laugh I say, "yeah it's cool, just give me your address and I'll be over after work" > not sure if I'm getting sex > buy condoms > she's not that hot like a 6/10 tops > not even going to lie > last call kind of hot > arrive at her house > ring the door bell while standing all suave leaned up against the door > her husband answers the door > shows me to the computer > install the latest version of adobe reader > get $20 > go home
day 19
> some guy crashes a program so I have to reinput the settings > go onto his cubicle mates computer > check settings > 2 hours later > "You wrecked my computer... I want my fucking computer back exactly how it was I don't know what you did but somethings off my usb drive is buzzing..." > wtf > I didnt do shit to your computer. I checked a program you open 20 times a day > super pissed so I go back into the server room and play Thomas Was None > hear knock on server room door > its the cubtclemate > "Hey, Thanks for fixing it. > "Fixing what?" > "The my usb drive" > I didn't do shit lol > "Oh yeah don't mention it"
day 20
> spend entire day cleaning the server room up > getting it all nice > just unplugging network cables wily nifty so I can colour coordinate them > people are losing their shit > they are randomly getting kicked off > tell people there are some issues with our isp > I make sure to say I-S-P as I have now learned by spelling in abbreviations no matter how common makes you sound techy > by the end of the day the server rack is all classy looking > unfortunately I never mapped anything and a handful of people can't connect because their ports aren't connected to anything > tell them the I-S-P will have it done ASAP and go home
day 21
> now that the server room is all clean I set up all the test boxes in the back > 8 machines in total all connected to the network > try joining monitors all together like you see on cool threads, you know like the racing ones? > realize these are shit old monitors and you can't do that > come up with the great idea of bitcoin mining with these boxes > set it up for the first half of the day > after lunch I'm mining > terribly but I am mining > people start complaining about server lag > blame the lag on the olympics > suggest that the whole office must be streaming it > ban the olympics on the web filter > office is divided; can see the divide in my email > people who are pissed about not being able to watch the olympics > and the keeners who think its all work and no play at work > I've officially gained power though, people respect me for making this mandate > "He's a real company guy"
day 22
> its birthday day > office celebrates all the months birthdays > take cake > set up n64 in the boardroom > challenge people in the office to goldeneye > keep saying "Hey I'm just taking a 5 minute break for some cake want a quick game?" > own the shit out of all of them > realize I did absolutely nothing all day but eat cake and game > no one ever noticed
day 23
> cougar calls in from the road > she's having trouble accessing a key app for a client on her ipad > she tells me its name > have no idea what it is > but make sure to sound astute > ask her if she's using WIFI or 3G > "How do I check" > "Nevermind let me check from my maincore system" > google the app but nothing comes up > ask one of the other sales people > "oh it's just an infographic on our main site" > tell the hot cougar to come into the office because it's going to require me to hardcode the changes in > she drives 2 hours to come to the office so I can open up Safari and bookmark it to her ipad homepage
I'll continue this tomorrow, believe it or not there's an ending to this but I can't get to it today.
day 24
> people heard from the 45 year old events planner I do house calls > bunch of idiots are bringing in their home computers, mobile devices, anything technical for me to fix > tell people I can only do it after hours and I charge $20 for small stuff and $50 for large. > most of it is simple fixes > windows updates or adobe reader installs fix it > but then I get it > the laptop from hell > this fat indian guy hands me his laptop in a plastic bag, not a laptop bag, a plastic one > "What's wrong with it?" > "You tell me genius" > Load it up and it's asking for some system restore or something. > just hit next and okay > fixes it but it says I need to load chkdisk? > figure that has something to do with the cd drive > open it up > there's a thick fucking layer of bread crumbs in the tray > tilted the machine to its side > motherfucking bread crumbs just pouring out of the laptop > restart the machine > it loads perfectly > turns out the guy was using it as a tray for his morning bagel > fucking toaster laptops
Hi AV its the IT guy from yesterday
day 25
> even though I'm shit at IT > one guy thinks because I am IT I am super techy > he asks me what my favourite browser is > "Google.... Ultron" > "it like chrome?" > shit thats what I meant > "yeah...but better...it's what nasa uses" > "cool could you dl that for me?" > gulp > "yeah no worries" > literally start shaking the mouse back and forth so fast you can see the cursor > then ctrl alt deleted into task manager > "there....you go. All done. It looks like google chrome. but its really ultron. no one else can tell." > to this day he still thinks he runs google ultron
day 26
> some woman calls me over > "it'll just take a sec, it's super simple" > shit > asks me to hook her up to a new printer > she hops out of her chair and lets me sit down > forget how to add network printers > her and her friend are talking right over my shoulder staring at the screen > "Is this going to take long?" > I fake deep thought as I stare at the screen with one hand on my temple > "Anon? I have a deadline is this going to..." > "What the fuck..." > both of the women are startled > "THERE'S A VIRUS ON THIS MACHINE" > and I just storm off like I'm pissed
day 27
> learn about a remote access tool that the whole office uses > decide to haunt the old nice old lady from before > i randomly move the mouse for a few hours > she struggles to do basic tasks > she comes and asks me for a new mouse > oblige her > hook it up and leave > look back at remote tool > mouse is moving again, she opens up word > I begin to type > "Hi" > no response > "Hi > "Hello? Who is this?" > "It's death :(" day 28
> a guy asks me to burn him a copy of a dvd for a presentation > holy fuck I know how to do that > burn it for him > march back down to his office, proudly holding the dvd high in the air > Woman tries to stop me "Hey can you..." > "Not now... I've got IT business to attend to" > hand the guy his burned dvd > this might be one of the first things IVe done right here > tear in my eye > so proud of how far I have come > I am true IT > 5 minutes later I get a call "Hey...yeah there's nothing on the dvd..."
day 29
> give new hire her new laptop > nothing is fucking setup right > forgot to hook up her outlook to exchange > no worries she did it herself > cool > she asks me if I can type in the admin credentials so she can dl some social media tool > "Sure" > fuck up the login credentials like 3 times and get locked out > have to unlock it from my machine > can't figure it out but go back because I left my gameboy in her office > she starts making small talk > "So where'd you go to school to become an IT person?" > she's fucking on to me > try logging in once more to admin account > locked out still > "Yeah... you know what? I think this Hootsuite extension is a virus. I don't want that shit on my network"
day 30
> here's where shit starts to really hit the fan > as you know i had setup a bitcoin mining rig in the server room > it was just eating up all the bandwidth > the whole network was barely operational > and now because of my ineptitude and blaming things on viruses people started a rumour > that the whole network was being attacked by a rogue hacker group > after lunch I get pulled into a meeting by with all the execs > the jig is up > "As you know we've been experiencing a multitude of issues with our network..." > I'm fucked > "from the lag to the viruses" > so fucked > "We want you to head up the investigation and find out who's doing this and why" > ROFL > I am the fucking dirty cop on the force who's tasked with finding the dirty cop > I am the fucking law
day 31
> tell people I'm running server calibrations > "it's like dusting for finger prints" > no one's the wiser > show this one middle aged guy with a beard how to use a webapp > go to favourite it for him and put it on the toolbar > notice all of his favourites > Big titty housewife > Pajama Butt Slut > Mexican girl on bus > mouse over them as I mouth read them > he starts freaking out > begs me not to tell > "Why shouldn't I?" > "Ill buy you lunch" > got 10 chicken nuggets
day 32
> for some reason the entire office is having to fill in a captcha every time they google anything > have no idea why this happening > Google ultron guy asks me if this has to do with the virus and if he should be backing up his data > "First. Always back up your data." > he nods to my tech savvy > "Second. It's a security measure INce put in place. There are robots afoot." > he nods again like my word is law
day 33
> Ultron guy blabs and tells everyone about google ultron > now everyone in the fucking office has a sharepoint ticket asking for it to be installed > a few of the more competent people are asking me what the fuck google ultron is > I just give them finger guns until they walk away > have to spend entire day going from desktop to desktop pretending to dl google ultron > literally spend 3-4 hours pretending to dl software that nasa uses > one girl asks me if this even legal > "Are you a cop?" > she reports me to HR for "criminal like behaviour > have already explained to HR what google ultron is... > HR thinks its real > HR thinks nasa uses it > HR tells the narc to stop interfering with important technological matters because the narc doesnt know anything about IT like me > doesnt know anything about IT like me
day 34
> been playing portal 2 all day in my office > haven't heard so much as a complaint > haven't had to update adobe reader or adobe flash all fucking day > something's not right > no one's said shit about it > poke my head out of the office > everyone's heads down just typing away > starting to get worried > ask a guy how his computer is working > "Great. Ever since you downloaded Google Ultron, my whole computer has just been flying" > wtf > do a quick google search on google chrome > supposedly it automatically downloads the most up to date versions of adobe > omfg > if I don't have fucking adobe reader I'm fucking out of a job > send out mass email > ATTN: do not open google ultron it has been hacked > spend rest of day uninstalling and making IE the default browser
day 35
> people are becoming restless with the hackevirus stuff > they wonder why I haven't solved the case yet > some even believe its not a hacktivst group like I've been hinting > "We're not just dealing with amateurs here. We're dealing with the best. And that's why I need to update your antivirus scanner" > just to strike the fear into people I covertly turn on the computer of a person who's sick and stationed right in the middle of one of the larger areas > turn off her monitor > put speakers full > then go back to office and remote in > play Wham's Jitterbug at 3 second intervals throughout the day > eventually people Start coming to my office to report this > I nod > it's worse than I thought > "What? What is it?" > it's the Jitterbug gang. One of the world's best hacking groups" > "I've never heard of them." > "That's why they're the best"
day 36
> check messages > local police called > FUUUUCK > need to speak with me since I am IT about recent hacks on our organization > delete message > cougar comes into my office > asks if I can adjust her desktop so the wallpaper changes every couple of minutes > "Sure." > head over there with her > she tells me she's getting a divorce > "Oh." > Says she's actually starting to date again and it's pretty awkward > fuck it > "Wanna maybe grab a beer sometime after work?" > she laughs > "What? I mean why not?" > "You're joking right? You're IT..." > my eyes well up as I stare at adobe prompts me that reader has a new update > "Just gonna download this."
day 37
> feeling like shit today > cougar told her sales friends that I tried asking her out > people are laughing behind my back > can hear the whispers > "eww haha IT?!!! ewwwwww" > want to just open up a computer and jump through the moving cpu fan > mean sales guy who usually calls (yeah that one) stops by office > "My laptops not working" > I trudge over to his desk with him > hit the power button for a reset > don't say anything and just walk away > "If that's all you ever do.. Why do we need you?' > turn around > "what?" > "if you only ever just restart my computer... why are we paying you? I can restart my own damn computer" > grin > "Have you ever repaired a server here? Do you know how hard it is to get it operational? Remember how we were down for a day and a half?" > he shakes his head > "That's what I thought." > of course I just restarted it lol
day 38
> still feel like shit after the cougar shut me down > decide to block 1 major site on the webfilter every hour > feel like the Joker doing it > first youtube > then ebay > then reddit > hear the moans from people as they read my webfilter note > "This is a place of work not a fun house" > One woman storms into office > "This is not funny...this is serious" > "Why so serious?" I ask her > "I need you to unblock ebay" > lot seriously > "I HAVE AN AUCTION ENDING IN 5 MINUTES!" > put it back on the safe list > but it was too late > she missed out on her cellphone case > mwhahahahaha
day 39
> an "investigator" comes to the office > the execs were worried that we had too much to lose and wanted to bring in a professional > I'm fucked > show him around the office > he keeps asking to see the server room > "And this is Carol. She's a riot. Aren't you Carol" > doing everything I can to stall > we go back into the server room > he compliments me on how neat the cables are > think about picking up a monitor and bashing his skull in and then running away to mexico > cant do it > I'm not a monster > I'm IT > the guy goes onto the server > asks me for the login info > figure the jig is up > give it to him > he logs in > opens up IE > looks over his shoulder at me > "You don't need to be here" > "It's fine" > I need to be there when it happens > he literally starts shaking his mouse really quickly around IE clicking on random parts of the screen > I know because a popup for Home depot came up > he starts muttering to himself... "hmmm... hmmm" > watch him type in adobe reader in google > he dl's it > swings his cursor around some more > and then finally goes > "fucking hackers right?" > we are brothers he and I > IT brothers
day 40
> wake up and realize how lucky I truly am not to be fired or worse > see cougar girl walking into the office from parking lot > asks me how things are going > I think we finally put an end to the jitterbug gang > "no, I meant... not work stuff' > look at her strangely then smile. > "Oh you know how it is" > she flicks her hair and then laughs > what the fuck? > "Cool. I'm having problems opening a file...can you open it for me hun?" > sigh > "Yeah sure..." > we walk into her office she's being all flirty > click on the sharepoint link of a pdf file > won't open > download adobe reader > while it's loading I ask her what she's planning on doing on the weekend > "I'm going to the mountains with this guy for our first getaway" > stop adobe reader at 80% > walk right out > I am IT
day 41
> this hot yoga girl from events comes into my office > her keyboard keeps typing in french > too busy playing Happy bird to care > "so are you going to help me?" > "if things slow down. I've been swamped today" > "I'm going to fucking kill you" > she waggles her glorious yoga butt away > cute girl, and don't even care anymore just want day to fucking end > I hate this fucking job > all I do is get yelled at and download adobe reader > I cant even find the joy in games any more > Dad walks by > sees I'm looking blue > Dad takes me out for lunch > pats me on the shoulder > "I'm so proud of you son." > to date the company is in fucking shambles > and I still am primarily an adobe reader downloader > but I wouldn't change any of it for his very next words > "I love you son." Thanks guys and thanks Dad for the job. :) Don't forget to download your adobe readers guys.
I didn't make this, I converted it to text from the imgur images and am working on correcting it occasionally.
