Matt has finally snapped and has teleported the NerdCubed team into a shitty simulator. But two can play at that game, and as they go from good to bad to shit, Matt (along with Martyn and Emma) try to stop them, culminating in a midair battle of Procrastinating proportions. (I kinda wanna know what Mattophobia DaRealNerdCubed WotFanar Traeonia
think of this)
TEXT: The characters you are about to see are not accurate representations of the real people they are named after and played by. They act like assholes, but they aren't. Really. I think.
We open on Matt at his computer. He is on the NerdCubed Subreddit. He has zero messages. He looks at the time. It is 8:59PM. He gets up and goes to use the toilet. The time changes to 9:00PM. Dan’s latest video goes up. Matt comes back. He has 700 trillion messages. He shakes his fist at the sky.
We fade to black as Matt’s scream echoes.
TEXT: Nerd Cubed Ltd. presents
A box is dropped by Dan’s front door. Dan opens the door and, giddy with joy, brings it in with him. We cut back to black.
TEXT: in association with Machinima
We fade back in on Dan rushing into his LEGO room.
He opens it up and pulls out a LEGO set.
The rest of the opening credits are placed over Dan putting together the LEGO set. The music is a slow, piano version of the main beat for "Enter the Domain of the NerdCubed"
At the end of the credits, we fade to the NerdCubed logo. “The Movie” appears below it.
Steve calls Dan up on Skype.
DAN: Hey Dad!
STEVE: How are ya, Dan?
DAN: Great! I just got some new Lego in the mail and it's one of the best in a while.
STEVE: Ah, that's just peachy. Ready to do the livestream thingy?
Wot calls them up on Skype.
STEVE: Hey Wot!
DAN: Howdy Wot!
WOT: Howdy? What are you, a cowboy or something?
Tracey joins in.
TRACEY: Hi guys!
DAN, WOT, STEVE: Hello!
Rebecca comes online.
REBECCA: How's everybody today?
STEVE: It'd be better if Matt would wake up.
WOT: Yeah, where's Matt?
TRACEY: It's time to get things started!
DAN: I'll have everyone spam him on Twitter. That'll do the trick.
Matt is asleep. Twitter notifications rapidly appear on his phone. Matt turns over and opens his eyes.
Cut to his phone being thrown through the window.
Meanwhile, in the livestream, they're all playing Google Feud.
DAN: Everyone is asking where Matt is, and I just don't know.
REBECCA: He probably just needs his beauty sleep.
WOT: Yeah, that's it.
Suddenly, Matt’s face covers all their screens. His face appears on all the screens in Times Square. He is on every screen in the world.
MATT: Hello Matt I'm world! Fuck…
Everyone (EVERYONE) laughs.
MATT: I rehearsed that line like 50 times…
Matt freezes in an embarassing spot
MATT: Ah bollocks now I'm frozen.
DAN: Matt fucked up everybody!
STEVE: Hashtag Matt Fucked Up!
TRACEY: Even when you're threatening the world you fuck up!
Thunder and lightning occur. Everyone quiets down.
STEVE: You're still frozen.
MATT: I can fix that!
Meanwhile, at Virgin Media HQ, everyone is asleep. Suddenly, the building disappears completely.
Matt’s image fixes itself.
REBECCA: Dan… I think Matt just vaporized Virgin Media.
MATT: Vaporized?! What kind of monster do you take me for? I teleported them to a shitty mobile game.
DAN: My God.
TRACEY: How'd you do that?
MATT: I acquired a device!
WOT: You're going to have to be more specific than that.
MATT: You know what? Fuck off.
Wot disappears, his hat dropping to the floor
DAN: Matt! Not cool!
MATT: Oh, I'm beyond not-cool!
We cut to various places across the world, still watching this unfold on the screens and getting very bored.
MATT: I'm the not-cooliest fucker this side of the Atlantic! And now…
The entire NerdCubed team disappear.
They reappear in an underground mine.
REBECCA: Is this what I think it is?
DAN: Mining Simulator.
A holographic screen appears in front of them. Matt is on screen. Wot is tied up next to him.
MATT: You will all be stuck here! Forever!
DAN: This isn't the end of it! I got some friends who'll be mighty pissed at what you're doing!
Matt gestures towards offscreen. Martyn and Emma walk in from either side.
MARTYN AND EMMA: Hello Dan.
REBECCA: Makes sense. You blow each of them up on a regular basis.
STEVE: Dan does that with me all the time and you don't see me joining the Dark Side. That you know of.
TRACEY: Did you hire Emma just because she's shorter than you?
MATT: No, I...uh...Shut up! Enjoy shitty mining simulation ya cunts!
The screen disappears. We cut back to Matt, in his evil lair.
MARTYN: Did you really hire her because she's short?
MATT: Martyn, what did I tell you about standing up to your full height?
Martyn gets down on his knees. Matt’s villain song begins. He pulls out his guitar and sings.
WOT (after the song): Your singing is terrible.
Back in the Mining Simulator, everyone is looking around. Dan is sitting atop the work platform, feeling glum. Steve walks up and sits next to him.
STEVE: What's wrong?
Dan just looks at him.
STEVE: Oh yeah the whole “trapped forever” thing.
After a long pause, there's a loud noise.
TRACEY: We did it!
REBECCA: Dan! Steve! Get over here!
Dan and Steve rush over to the minecar train, where Tracey and Rebecca are. They've disassembled the train and cobbled together something vaguely resembling Matt’s device.
DAN: Can we use that to get back home?
REBECCA: But no.
STEVE: I'm getting mixed messages here.
REBECCA: Basically, the Transporter is connected to games that are on Steam. Now, we still haven't figured out exactly how it works, but we do know that we either don't have enough power or aren't within some sort of signal range to get to everything on the list.
DAN: Well, what can you get to?
Tracey gestures to the control panel, which has a crudely-made monitor on it.
TRACEY: Look through it yourself.
Dan scrolls through the list of games. We do not see what's on the monitor.
DAN: No… No… Oh God no… How ‘bout this?
STEVE: Excellent choice, son. You two?
Tracey and Rebecca nod in approval.
DAN: Let's get to it!
Rebecca goes to the controls.
REBECCA: Getting lock-on… Now. Ready?
REBBECA: Brace yourselves.
She pulls a lever and the device powers up. Everyone (and the Transporter) disappears.
Inside Matt’s lair, Emma is at the computer.
EMMA: Matt, they're gone.
MATT: To where?
EMMA: San Andreas. Grand Theft Auto, San Andreas.
MATT: Those magnificent bastards. Well, it's not exactly your expertise with Dan, but it's close enough.
MARTYN: What about me?
MATT: You can go in too.
Martyn gets happy.
MATT: You're the perfect distraction.
Martyn gets sad.
In San Andreas, the NerdCubed team walks around, dragging the Transporter behind them in a little red wagon.
STEVE: I could get used to this place.
Martyn walks around a corner behind them.
MARTYN: Eat lead!
He fires his machine gun and the NerdCubed team dive out of the way. Martyn walks towards them, laughing. He reaches their position and fires directly at them. He misses. Every shot, he misses. He runs out of bullets. Everyone just looks at him disappointingly. Martyn throws the gun at them. It hits the ground instantly.
Martyn runs off and a Hydra, with Emma in the cockpit, rises up behind them. Tracey shoves everyone into the alley as the Hydra’s missiles fire.
DAN: Is there any way to enter cheat codes?
REBECCA: If we can get to the device, we can.
They peek around the corner and see their Transporter sitting in the middle of the street.
DAN: I think I can make that.
REBECCA: Do you remember any codes?
DAN: Some of them.
REBECCA: Well that's better than nothing.
Dan runs across the street and presses buttons on the control panel.
DAN: Player Invincibility…
Dan enters the code into the Transporter. It's incorrect.
DAN: Vehicle Invincibility...
He enters another code. It's incorrect.
He enters another code. It's incorrect.
STEVE: What codes do you know?!
He enters another code. The sky gets stormy. Emma turns her Hydra on Dan.
TRACEY: You know the stormy weather cheat?!
DAN: It looks cool! Wait...
He enters another code. It is correct.
DAN: I got it!
The Hydra fires upon Dan. He runs out into traffic and leaps in front of an caravan.
The caravan stops. Dan pulls the driver out and gets in. The Hydra fires a missile at him.
DAN: C’mon Journey, don't fail me now.
Suddenly, the car lifts into the air, dodging the missiles.
DAN: Flying cars, mo fo!
He flies Journey straight at Emma’s Hydra.
DAN: Ramming speed!
He hits it, breaking one of the wings. The Hydra flies off, out of control.
The NerdCubed Team cheer for Dan. Martyn sneaks over to the Transporter and enters a cheat code.
Dan lands the Journey and gets out.
DAN: Let's get to the Transporter and-
Dan turns and sees Martyn holding a rocket launcher. He fires. And misses.
MARTYN: Forgot to turn on Auto-Aim! That's it…
Everyone gets into the Journey and Dan puts it into reverse.
MARTYN: I got it!
He hears a “Montagues and Capulets” car horn. He looks up and the Journey runs him over. They shove the Transporter into the Journey and fly away.
MARTYN: Two can play at that game.
On the Journey, Dan looks into the rear-view mirror. Martyn is in a flying car, heading towards them.
DAN: Martyn at 6 o’clock!
TRACEY: It's actually 10:04.
STEVE: That joke’s older than I am!
A rocket explodes above them, knocking Dan’s glasses off and sending the Journey down towards the city.
DAN: Fuck! Dad, I can't see!
Steve sits in the seat next to Dan.
STEVE: Okay, okay. Pull back, now. We're about to hit a building.
Martyn fires another rocket.
STEVE: Shit, there's a rocket. Left! Wait no, right! Down! Up! North! South! Port! Starboard!
Dan does everything that Steve tells him to.
DAN: Does anyone know any weapons cheats?
STEVE: I got one! Tracey, take over directing Dan.
DAN: Just find me my glasses!
Steve goes to the controls and enters a cheat code. Bicycles spawn behind them and hit Martyn’s car.
Tracey picks up Dan’s glasses from the floor. Dan puts them on. He sees that they're about to hit the Vinewood sign. He pulls up to avoid it, letting out a little scream. Martyn pulls up as well, following them into the forest.
TRACEY: Rebecca, you might want to find another game to beam us to.
REBECCA: I'm trying! Steam is overflowing with broken games!
A rocket hits them in the back, sending the Transporter careening towards the front of the Journey. Rebecca accidentally pulls the lever and it begins to power up.
STEVE: What game did you choose?
REBECCA: I don't know!
They all disappear and the Journey falls to the ground. Martyn laughs, but then a Pine tree pops in front of him.
Meanwhile, Matt is at the controls for his Transporter.
MATT: There goes David Cameron! Now where should I send Donald Trump? Poker Pretty Girls Battle? Nah, he'd probably enjoy it.
Emma and Martyn rematerialize in the center of the room.
MATT: Did you get them?
EMMA: Martyn’s fault!
MARTYN: I got close! You were trotting off in your one-winged Hydra while I was getting pined!
MATT: Martyn, go feed Wot. Emma, try and figure out where they went off to.
Dan wakes up in a field with farming equipment around him.
DAN: Kidding me!
We see a wideshot of the farmland.
DAN: We fucking got fucking sent to a fucking farm fucking simu fucking lator?!
STEVE: Seems that way.
In Matt’s lair, Martyn walks by Wot’s cell.
MARTYN: I have a plan.
WOT: You do?
MARTYN: Get word out to the Procrastinators. There’s two million people who would love to beat Matt to a pulp.
WOT: The best way to do that would be the Subreddit. How’s the Internet down here?
MARTYN: Pretty good since the destruction of Virgin Media.
WOT: But it’d be best if we get Dan and the gang out of wherever they were sent first.
MARTYN: Emma’s working on finding that out now. I’ll see if I can get to the computer and at least get a message to them once it’s finished loading.
MATT (off-screen): Martyn! It’s time for my back massage!
Meanwhile, inside the farming simulator, everyone sits in a circle, silent. After a long pause, Dan looks over at a tractor. He walks over to the tractor and opens the door. Country Music starts playing.
DAN: Do you have Piles? Use new Farmer Joe’s Pile-Removing Cream!
Everyone laughs. Dan shuts the door and opens it again. The music changes and he starts singing the Tractor Song from his Farm Expert review.
DAN: Oh I woke up this morning and then I got in my tractor, and then I found my wife, and with my axe I hacked her to death!
TRACEY: Yeah! I fled the scene in my Tractor, blah blah blah a Tractor, and I ditched it in a ditch!
STEVE: I ran away like a pussy, but they caught me anyway.
REBECCA: I got sentenced to death in the gas chamber…
DAN: But someone took an axe, and hacked me in my sleep!
They all laugh. A holographic screen appears next to them. Martyn is on it.
MARTYN: (whispering) This is InTheLittleWood, also known as Martyn. Are you guys alright?
DAN: Martyn? Weren’t you firing rockets at us a few moments ago?
MARTYN: Yeah, my Heel-Face Turn is kinda sudden, I know. Just listen here. I’m going to try and get you guys back. Matt’s got a password lock on the Beam-Back option, but the Beam-In function is fine. I’m going to send a spare transporter your way. It’s the prototype version so it’s not as powerful, but it’ll get you to where you need to go. I’m also going to enlist the help of the Procrastinators through the Subreddit.
A toilet flushes behind him.
MARTYN: I gotta go… Bye!
The screen disappears and a Transporter rematerializes next to them. In the lair, Emma sits down at the computer.
EMMA: Ah ha! Matt, I found them!
MATT: Get a lock on them and send them to Desert Bus.
Emma stands up.
MATT: They’ll be stuck on an endless road to nothing. Forever and always.
Emma sits down. She hesitates.
EMMA: I just lost them.
MATT: Well find them again!
Matt walks away and Emma sits silently for a few seconds.
The NerdCubed Team rematerializes in the free-mode of Besiege.
DAN: Let’s get to work!
In the lair, Emma passes by Wot’s cell.
EMMA: I got a plan.
WOT: So does Martyn.
EMMA: Well, give it here.
WOT: We have to get a message to the Procastinators on the Subreddit. That’s a fuckton of people who’d love to get their hands on Matt.
Martyn walks up to them.
MARTYN: What made you change your mind Emma?
EMMA: He wants to send them to Desert Bus.
WOT: That's a fate worse than death!
MARTYN: Did you tell her the plan? We need someone to distract Matt long enough to get onto the computer.
EMMA: I’ll have Matt play his guitar. That’ll be a good few minutes.
WOT: Let’s get to it.
Emma unlocks the cell door and opens it.
EMMA: It’d be best if someone directly part of NerdCubed wrote the message.
MARTYN: Then what am I supposed to do?
EMMA: I believe it’s time for Matt’s foot scrubbing.
INTERCUT BETWEEN EACH OTHER In Besiege, the NerdCubed team is building something big. In the lair, Wot tries to get on the computer. In Matt’s room, Emma and Martyn distract him.
MATT: Oh, I just remembered! I have to vacate the position of Steam President.
He gets up and goes to the door. Emma blocks him.
EMMA: Oh, you don’t have to do that now. Why not play us a song?
MATT: Eh, I’m not in the mood.
EMMA: Then… How ‘bout you play some Fallout?
MATT: No, I just want to become the President of Steam.
He pushes Emma out of the way and slams the door behind him. It locks. Emma bangs on the door.
EMMA: Hey, let us out!
Matt doesn’t hear them, since he is singing to himself.
MATT: I’ll be the king of Steam one day, and all broken games will be gone!
Wot is finishing up typing on the computer. Matt walks in.
Wot throws the chair at Matt.
In Besiege, the team is finishing up their build.
STEVE: And… done.
DAN: Ready for transport!
Matt and Wot struggle as Wot attempts to click “Submit” for his Subreddit post and Matt tries to restrain him.
Rebecca powers up the Transporter.
Wot eventually makes it over to the computer mouse and slams his hand on it. The post is submitted.
We cut to nighttime over London. Suddenly, a Besiege-built Helicarrier materializes above the city. Dan, Steve, Rebecca, and Tracey stand on top of it, operating various control panels.
DAN: Be on the lookout for Matt.
With Wot restrained on the floor, Matt looks at the computer screen and sees an image of the Helicarrier.
MATT: I know how to deal with this…
Matt brings up Kerbal Space Program on the computer.
On the Helicarrier, Tracey is looking through Binoculars.
Dan grabs the binoculars and we see what he sees. A rocket rises out from underneath Parliament, smashing through the building.
DAN: Prepare for bomb drop, get into position above Matt’s rocket!
The Helicarrier moves over Parliament. Matt is inside the cockpit of the rocket and notices this.
MATT: Dan, you twat.
One of the solid rocket boosters disconnects from the rocket and speeds towards the Helicarrier.
DAN: Back! Back! Go back!
They move in reverse, just barely missing the booster.
DAN: Get us away from the city! If this thing falls, a lot of people are fucked.
The Helicarrier moves East.
Wot moves along the floor towards the Transporter controls, still restrained by rope. He stands himself up and presses buttons with his nose. On the screen, “Lock On: Over 2,000,000 Items” pops up. Wot hits his head on the lever to power up the Transporter. He disappears. In Matt’s room, Martyn and Emma disappear. On the Subreddit, the part that says “(Number of People) Here” goes to zero.
Meanwhile, Matt’s rocket has stopped moving upwards and is heading straight towards the Helicarrier. A solid rocket booster disconnects and shoots towards them.
DAN: Cut all power! Descend!
The rotors stop moving and the Helicarrier falls to Earth, dodging it.
DAN: Power up!
The Helicarrier’s rotors spin again and it stops mid-air. The forces of the sudden stop bend the Helicarrier’s structure to the point of almost breaking.
TRACEY: Alright, next time let’s ascend
Matt’s rocket flies right over them. It quickly speeds off into the distance and turns back around.
DAN: That gives me an idea. What’s below us?
STEVE: The Thames.
DAN: Not the ocean, but close enough!
Matt disconnects another solid rocket booster, but it doesn’t fire and flies back behind him.
He tries another one. It does the same thing. Matt looks at his fuel gauges and sees that the boosters are out. All of them disconnect and fly back. The rocket speeds forward after losing the weight.
Meanwhile, on the Helicarrier, they are maintaining their position even though Matt is heading straight towards them.
TRACEY: Dan, are you sure about this?
Matt disconnects the bottom part of the rocket, sending it towards the Helicarrier. The rest of the rocket flies downwards, underneath the Helicarrier.
DAN: Drop the bombs!
The bombs drop from the Helicarrier, just missing Matt’s rocket. The bottom part of Matt’s rocket explodes and smashes through the Helicarrier, setting half of it on fire. The Helicarrier breaks in half. Everyone jumps the gap as the firey-half falls to Earth.
At the Tower Bridge, one of the operators sits at his desk, bored. The bombs that were dropped just barely misses the bridge and explode in the river, waking him up. He sticks his head out the window and sighs, relieved. Then he looks up and sees the flaming remains of half the Helicarrier, which crash into the bridge.
Back on the Helicarrier, Dan’s phone rings. He answers.
WOT: Hey Dan!
WOT: Did we miss the ass-kicking?
WOT: You might wanna look out to the North.
Dan looks into the binoculars and we see millions of fighter jets heading towards them.
DAN: Is that...?
WOT: All of your fans. Do you wanna tell them something? You're on speaker.
DAN: I said I'd never say Hello Procrastinators again, and I'm sticking to it. However, I got the next best thing: 3, 2, 1...Procrastinate!
Everyone cheers. We see Martyn, Emma, and all the other NerdCubed guest-stars flying jets.
MARTYN: Martyn, checking in.
EMMA: Emma, checking in.
JOHN BAIN: TotalBiscuit, checking in.
JON: ManyATrueNerd, checking in.
ASHENS: Not-Dan checking in.
DAN BULL: Someone who is Dan, but the one who's title defines a type of large cattle, checking in.
AMY: Amy, checking in.
HANNAH HART: Hannah, checking in.
BANANACUBED: BananaCubed, checking in.
MUMCUBED: MumCubed, checking in. Is your Dad there?
STEVE (over speakers): Hello!
DAN: Alright everyone… Fire.
Everyone fires missiles at Matt.
We cut to Matt in his rocket.
MATT: Ass trumpets.
Matt’s rocket turns around and the last bottom half of the rocket disconnects, but doesn’t fire up. It flies back towards the missiles, hitting some of them and setting off a chain reaction that blows up all of the missiles.
DAN: Move us just under his path and prepare the cannons.
The cannons along the side of the Helicarrier move from pointing outwards to downwards. Just before Matt flies over them, the cannons fire, moving the Helicarrier upwards into the rocket’s path. Matt lets out a shriek and pulls back on the steering column. The rocket takes out the second-to-last rotor on the Helicarrier, which was where Steve was standing. It also sets fire to what’s left of the Helicarrier. Dan, Tracey, and Rebecca run for the escape pod and it drops away from the flaming wreck.
DAN: Hang on to your assholes!
The pod drops into Wot’s plane.
WOT: Glad you could make it.
DAN: I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but MATT IS HEADING FOR SPACE!
They look up and see Matt’s rocket going straight up. Dan gets a text.
All the jets fly upward in pursuit of Matt. Matt’s phone rings. It’s Dan.
DAN: Hey Matt!
DAN: Do a flip.
Steve jumps out from behind Matt’s seat and shoves his face into the controls, pushing the steering column forward.
The rocket rotates downwards. It narrowly misses the fighter jets and then rotates back around. It stops in mid-air. Then the engines cut out and it crashes into the Olympic Stadium.
The fighter jets land in the parking lot and everyone gets out, walking towards the rubble. They open up the cockpit to the rocket and Matt falls out, unconscious.
STEVE: I think he's dead.
DAN: Don't worry, I got the perfect idea.
A slight frown makes its way across Matt’s face.
We cut to Barnardshire Hospital. The hospital from Surgeon Simulator. Dan is the Doctor (Dressed as THE Doctor) operating on Matt. All the bad things happen, but Matt is saved, with 0.01 milliliter of blood.
He wakes up in a Hospital bed. Dan sits next to him.
MATT: Is this…?
DAN: The real life? Or is this just fantasy? If this was a video game someone would have shot you by now.
DAN: You really suck, you know that?
DAN: Luckily all copies of the laws even remotely banning what you did...mysteriously disappeared after your operation and only reappeared this morning, so you're off the hook.
Dan gets up and heads for the door.
MATT: Did you do that?
DAN: That's for you to figure out.
MATT: You do realize this is just feeding the whole Danophobia thing, right?
DAN: Of course I do. Tarah!
Dan leaves before Matt can respond.
Some time later, Matt is at his computer at his home. He pulls a smaller version if the Transporter out of his closet and calls up Dan.
MATT: Hey, Dan. I want to make up for what I did. Just brace yourself for awesome.
Matt pulls the lever.
We cut to black and fade in on Dan flying through the air. He is dressed like Rico from Just Cause 2. A smile moves across his face as he realizes what's happened.
DAN: I got a flight suit, a grappling hook, and a parachute! This is the best thing ever!
MATT (over headset): And just guess what you're flying over.
Dan looks down and sees a farming district, a mountain town, a forestry district, a tourist district, an airport, a shopping island, and a big city bit.
DAN: Oh my God it's the City of Dave the City this is so cool! Let's get everyone else in on this.
MATT: Everyone? Alrighty.
The rest of the NerdCubed team appear alongside Dan.
DAN: Is invincibility on?
They all start playing standard Just Cause gameplay, firing at each other and spawning vehicles.
DAN: C’mon Matt, join in!
DAN: Yeah, we gotta blow you up!
Matt smiles and pulls the lever.
Cut to black.
Next to the credits, we see the NerdCubed team playing Just Cause in the City of Dave the City, edited like a Plays video. The music is an instrumental, remixed combo of the two NerdCubed theme songs.
After the credits, we fade in on the interior of Virgin Media HQ. Everything is moving back and forth as the building leans from one side to another. We zoom out to reveal that Virgin Media HQ is in a bad Candy Crush ripoff, precariously perched on the edge of the box. It falls and we cut to black.